grandma 🤍

My mental health is declining. 

I lost my grandma Leticia in December 2022.  It's been close to six months without her and to be completely honest, I don't know how I made it here.  I like to believe my daughter is saving me.  She's keeping me company and on my toes.  So, thankful and grateful for her.  I personally believe if it wasn't for her I would be worse than what I am now.

I lost what was my second mother figure and one of my biggest fans.  I wish you can understand.  I was so naive about her health.  I thought I had the rest of my life with her but I was mistaken.  I wish I would've had that last conversation with her.  You know the last one when one is on their last days?  I did talk to her on her last days, but nothing deep.  I never asked her to talk to me, because I believe I had so much time with her.  I wish I would've asked her for it.  I like to believe that the reason she didn't have the last conversation with me is because it was hard for her too... because maybe she knew and wanted to shield me from it.  I don't regret anything.

I loved her to the best of my ability.  I spent the most time I possibly could've.  I helped with whatever I could at that moment.  She was the best grandma.  She was the biggest support system.  My childhood was her.  I liked to believe she shaped me the way I am.  She didn't take anyone's shit and she never kept her mouth shut.  Yeah, I definitely got that from her, ha.  

She did get to meet my daughter in person.  She even told her nurses in the hospice that that was her great-granddaughter in her broken english.  I teared up a little that moment.  I just wished she would've carried her, so I could have that picture of them. 

Since her passing things have not been the same.  Nothing is the same.  No one is the same.  Walking into the house is so weird.  Plus, I don't like being in the house for long periods of times.   Every time I walked into the house, I always greeted her with "hola grandma" and she would answer "hola mi vida." And now? Nothing. 

The first year is always the hardest because it's the year of firsts.  However, it's also the fact knowing she's no longer here for me to talk to her or experience things with me.  I will never receive a Facebook message from her.  The day I get married she won’t be there.  Shes not here to teach my daughter her many talents.    She didn’t get to see my business be display in a store or any of my new earring collections.  She won’t be able to experience the many things that await for me and I won’t be able to talk to her about them. 

Truth is I will never be the same without her.  I miss her so much and everyday.  There’s not a single day that I don’t think about her.  I think about her daily and I’m so upset she hasn’t visited me in my dreams.  I miss her and I just she was here.  I mourned my grandma in the last six months and it hasn’t been easy, but how do I expect it to be easy when I had her in my life for 26 years.  I just know that for the rest of my life I’ll keep her memory alive.  She was and is a huge part of me and I’m going to tell my children about her. 

rest in peace my angel… la quiero mucho grandma 🤍