your wings were ready but my heart was not

 To my little Angel, 

This past week has been extremely hard.  This week we were supposed to be getting ready for your arrival.  Christmas was supposed to be different this year.  Today was allegedly our due date.  

On April 12th,  I found out I was pregnant.  I was completely shocked and flabbergasted.  We had come back from my birthday trip to Vegas.  And at this point, I don’t even remember how late I was on my period I just knew I had become irregular.  I remember running to Target to buy an “expensive” pregnancy test.  It was once again confirmed.  I surprised Daddy with the news and he cried with so much joy.  From that moment we began making changes for you.  

We were overfull with joy.  We had plans.  We were thinking so much into the future. Your daddy talked to you every single day.  They were beautiful moments.  Everyone was so excited, of course, those who knew because it wasn’t many. 

Little did we know you had other plans. 

The little time I was pregnant was such a hard time.  The stress I underwent was honestly insane.  It was my first time and I had no experience.  I was googling everything and psyching myself out.  I ended up going to the ER.  I remember I didn’t want to go because I was scared.  My mom told me, I had to go urgently.  When I arrived I was only able to go in by myself due to COVID.  They did every single test I can think of.  I was feeling positive towards the end.  Before they discharged me they gave me the news of a possible miscarriage.  I remembered crying but I kept trying to be positive. 

On May 5th,  I received an email, “…no heartbeat detected…”  Your daddy and I were a complete mess.  Just a few days ago you had a heartbeat and now you didn’t?  It was one of the hardest days.  I was furious.  I was blaming myself.  I just didn’t know what happened.  The doctor assured me it had nothing to do with what I did.  Things unfortunately just happen.  Next thing I knew I was scheduled for a D&C.  A surgical procedure to remove you.  Another one of my hardest days.  I just remembered waking up and crying because I know you were officially gone. 

We now fast forward to today.  We wish and prayed things would’ve been different.  We miss you so much.  There’s honestly not a day that goes by where we think or talk about you.  It’s always the “what ifs.” You and my sister were going to share birthdays.  Now we are off to celebrate her.  

To our little angel, you are loved and forever missed. 

I will hold you in the heart until I hold you in heaven...

Rest in Peace